Near Myths
by Loki9
Summary: A collaboration with a friend...basically what would happen if the Olympus gods quit. Rewrites of certain parts of The Odyssey to show what would happen with the Egyptian and Norse gods.


An eagle flew past the vaulted halls on Mount Olympus, the blithe home of the blissful gods. Right now the blissful gods were getting devoured by mosquitoes and would, if given the choice, quickly trade their blithe home for one with more screens and beds with built-in bug nets. Athena, diligent as ever, was attempting to call a meeting of the gods.

"I've called you all here today," Athena started, "To-"

"Is it about war?" Ares asked impatiently.

Athena sighed. "Um, no as a matter of fact its not. Its-"

"If it's not about war," Ares reasoned, "it must not be important." He sat back, his point proven. Aphrodite snuggled up against him and smiled.

"Not everything is about war, you know!" Athena snapped "And Aphrodite, stop that! What would your husband say?"

"ZEUS!" roared the husband, who had just appeared in the hall.

"Wha-?" Zeus sat up in his throne. "What did I do now?" 

"You tied Hera to the mountain with anvils again, didn't you?"

"So? She turned my lover into a cow!" 

"Yes, but you used MY anvil! Now how am I supposed to do my work? I need that anvil, NOW."

"Oh? umm," Zeus blearily tried to defend himself, "well there aren't many other anvils around, you know. No ornamental anvils just sort of lining Mount Olympus. Where am I supposed to get an anvil then, if I can't take one from you?" Zeus looked up at Hephaestus's face and sighed. "Oh, fine you can untie her. She's over there."

"That's not the point," the smith god said, "the point is that you should at least ask me before using my anvil, seeing as it belongs to me and you can go get enough anvils to decorate all of Mount Olympus anytime you want to!" He stormed out.

Zeus sighed. Over near Athena, arguments were breaking out.

"No, no! War is always more important!"

"But I'm telling you if we had some more mosquito netting-"

"Mosquito netting is just NOT war."

"Yes, but war doesn't keep the mosquitoes out!!"

To add to the confusion, Hermes, the messenger god appeared in the doorway and announced to the gods, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL." All the gods turned their heads towards him and stopped talking to see what letters he had with him. 

"Well, first," said Hermes, clearing his throat, "we have a love letter from a Betty to Zeus."

"It doesn't matter," Zeus interrupted, "She's a cow now."

Hermes raised his eyebrows and continued, "Next we have a letter from the Food of the Month Club, an invitation to go dancing around with some nymphs and an overdue notice from the Library of Greece."

Apollo groaned. "But I lost the book!"

"That's why the library gave you two years to find it." Hermes nodded and slapped a mosquito which had landed on his neck

Meanwhile, conversation had broken out in the hall. In fact the argument was quite heated and full of phrases like "No! Go to Hades!" and "I would if I thought there were more mosquito nets over there!" Apollo was sulking about his overdue book and Hermes was inventing the saxophone, which no one was very happy about. Zeus sighed and put his hands on his knees. Athena came up to him.

"It has not been a good day," said Zeus. Athena nodded and Zeus continued, "Betty is now a cow, Hephaestus is mad at me, it's too hot in here and my children are comparing war to mosquito nets..."

"Oh I know," Athena agreed in misery.

"In addition, Apollo is going to want me to pay for that book he lost, including the overdue fee and that ringing of the forge that I hear means that my wife is freed and is soon going to come in and yell at me."

Athena nodded in sympathy. Encouraged by this, Zeus's despair turned to anger and all of the sudden, a way became clear before him.

"That's it!" he yelled. "I QUIT!"

All the conversation stopped and Hermes put down his saxophone. All the gods looked up at Zeus in amazement.

"What a great idea!"

"Hey, I quit too!"

"Me too!"

"And me!"

"Free at last!"

"Let's go order some pizza!"

One by one all the gods and goddesses left Olympus, and then Greece, ready for a vacation. Athena was left smiling in the muggy throne room.

"When he's right, he's right," she said, as she quickly walked towards the telephone. She picked it up, flipped through an old, yellow phone book, and consulted one of two emergency numbers printed on the back. Grinning happily, she dialed the number and left a message. Then she put down the phone and flew off to get her back massaged. 

  


  


**.:BEEP:. YOU HAVE REACHED THE ANSWERING MACHINE OF THE NORSE GODS. WE ARE NOT HERE AT THE MOMENT, SO PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL CALL YOU AS SOON AS WE RUN OUT OF MEAD. WE APOLOGIZE FOR OUR LAST ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE. THAT WAS LOKI. HE APOLOGIZES ALSO.

TO LEAVE AN EMERGENCY MESSAGE, PRESS 1

IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR FRIGGA PRESS 2

IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR ODIN, TOO BAD

IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR BALDUR, GO TO HEL

IF YOU-

_LEAVE YOUR EMERGENCY MESSAGE NOW .:BEEP:._

Hi, this is Athena! It was nice to see you all last month, and I just wanted to say that for the first time in years our whole pantheon is out and we need some gods who would like to look after our mortals, especially Odysseus and Telemachus. I have their schedules up on the refrigerator, and the pay is negotiable on return. Thank you! (click)**

  


  


  


  


**.:BEEP:. YOU HAVE REACHED THE MACHINE OF ANSWERS OF THE GODS OF EGYPT. WE ARE NOT HERE AT THE MOMENT, SO PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU SOON AFTER WE STOP CELEBRATING THE FLOODING OF THE NILE. WE HOPE TO SEE YOU SOON OR EVEN DURING THIS HAPPY OCCAISION, AND WE PUT OUR BLESSINGS ON THIS YEAR'S CROPS. 

TO LEAVE AN EMERGENCY MESSAGE, PRESS 1

IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE A MESSAGE FOR RE, PRESS 2

IF YOU WANT TO SEEK WISDOM AND ARE A PHARAOH, PRESS 3

IF YOU WANT TO BE EMBALMED BY ANUBIS PRESS 4

IF YOU WANT TO SEE HATHOR NA-

_LEAVE YOUR EMERGENCY MESSAGE NOW .:BEEP:._

Hi this is Athena! I really enjoyed my vacation here a couple months ago by the way, and I don't want to interrupt your celebration, but all the gods are going to be out at my pantheon for a while and I was wondering if some gods here would like to fill in for us and watch our mortals. Odysseus and Telemachus's schedules are on the refrigerator, and you can use our hall as much as you want. Pay will be negotiated on return. This is very much appreciated. Thank you! (click)**


End file.
